They Shoot Humphrey’s, Don’t They? Episode 3×09.

One can only hope, regarding this week’s episode title.

Last week, we fell asleep as a bunch of shit happened. Jimmy Fallon guest starred as himself, the Hilary Duff shit continued (she had an interview with Fallon and got Lonely Boy Dan renamed Bathroom Boy), and Blair pushed Serena into a cake at an election party. Right.

I am beginning to feel we were lied to about the threesome, and it was something imaginary the CW put out there in hopes people would tune in for the chance of a threesome.

It’s cotillion time on the Upper East Side! Oh joy! Now Jenny will be even a bigger bitch and bore us even more! Jenny still hasn’t found the proper escort for the event. Maybe she could borrow a monkey from the Bronx Zoo? read more

Enough About Eve. Episode 3×06.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.

Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?

BLAIR IS DREAMING!

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Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though. read more

Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again? read more

The Freshmen. Episode 3×02.

Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.

Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE. read more

The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Episode 2×25

Last week was a total waste of time as it was a failed backdoor pilot for a show about Lily in the 80’s, and it was also PROM, which was more an afterthought. Now it’s time for the Season 2 Season Finale. What’s going to happen to our gang? Will Georgina get her Bible money back? Did Blair ever tell Jesus that the Bitch is Back? (Wait, if Jesus is the Son of God, wouldn’t he already know?) Or was Blair too busy breaking up with Nate to relay the message? Let’s find out!

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It’s graduation time on the Upper East Side, and as Gossip Girl herself says, who needs “Pomp and Circumstance” when you’ve got paparazzi? Serena is ready to end high school as she figures it’ll end her reign as Gossip Girl’s #1 target. She was the very first blast on the Gossip Girl site back in 9th grade when she wore a white dress on a rainy day. Serena is just excited as Gossip Girl doesn’t do college, yo. read more

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Episode 2×22.

Serena came back from Spain unsure if she’s married (she’s not), Blair dealt with Nate’s Evil Grandfather, Chuck and Jenny worked through their issues, and there was a seder with Dan as the cater waiter. This week…Chuck Bass might get saved.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5 (I’m going to include Nate as there were flashbacks last season).

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This episode has perhaps the best plot twist ever in the history of television for anyone with a sense of humor about the whole thing. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have a sense of humor. I mean…is Gossip Girl meant to be taken seriously? read more

In the Realm of the Basses. Episode 2×14

We’re halfway through the second season, and the only thing we really have to show for it are a dead father (Chuck’s dad Daddy WarBass died in an accident), a new stepfather (Hello, Cyrus! As you wish!), bad fashion designs from Jenny, Captain Went to Jail, and a lot of angst for all our characters, especially Chuck and Blair and Dan and Serena. Oh, and Aaron Rose/Creepy Bores. Oh! And Lily’s secret stay in an institution. Let’s hope for a better second half, mkay?

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It’s a New Year on the Upper East Side, and everyone is coming back from their Christmas vacations! Serena’s been tangoing (and screwing) her way through Buenos Aires. Lonely Boy Dan was alone (serves him right), and Jenny’s headed back to school! Blair will be ecstatic to have someone to torture again at school. And Chuck is missing. His uncle Jack has been seen about town though, which could potentially be interesting, depending on who his uncle is (hopefully fun evil like Georgina and not boring evil like Daddy WarBass). read more

O Brother, Where Bart Thou? Episode 2×13

Daddy WarBass has been in an accident! How bad was it? Will Chuck brood? Will Dan judge? Will Vanessa and Jenny annoy? Yes, yes and yes, no matter WHAT happened with that off-screen accident.

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Well, if the photo from Gossip Girl is to be believed, Bart did die. Finally things are happening on this show as it’s been such a snoozefest the past couple of weeks. (That’s what happens when you allow Jenny and Vanessa to drive plot.) Should we be glad we were spared hospital visits? Should we be mad that we were spared the accident scene? We all know Josh Schwartz likes his accident scenes from The O.C….(did Agnes go running back to being Kaitlin Cooper?) read more

It’s a Wonderful Lie. Episode 2×12

A very special congratulations goes out to Blake Lively (who plays Serena) on her pregnancy! 

Last week, Vanessa committed a federal crime by opening Jenny’s letter from Nate and Lily decided to be a parent to Jenny, who moved back in with Rufus. Lily then took her kids and left Casa WarBass when she found out Daddy WarBass had dossiers on her kids. We also found out Lily had been institutionalized but not for what (alcoholism?). And Aaron Rose continued to be Creepy Bores, and Eleanor got engaged to Cyrus. Inconceivable. Happy Thanksgiving from the Upper East Side (although this week looks like Christmas. Time flies!) I hope we get to see how nice life would be without the Humphreys, but I’m not that lucky. read more

Bonfire of the Vanity. Episode 2×10.

Jenny bored us to tears with her plans to launch her own line and interrupted Lily and Daddy Warbass’s “Look At Us Rich People Donating $1 to Charity And We Invited Our Offspring So We’re Not Bad Parents, Wait, We Have Children?” charity event to launch it before running away from home. Aaron Rose turned out to be a sleazy bore or a boring sleaze, not sure which is the adjective and which is the noun. Chuck and Blair babysat a friend of the Yale Dean’s obnoxious teen daughter, and fans asked…this aired in November Sweeps time? I am remembering WHY I had forgotten nearly everything that happened post-Hamptons pre-second part of Season 2 now. read more