Enough About Eve. Episode 3×06.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.

Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?

BLAIR IS DREAMING!

vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m31s192 vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m42s50 Of Vanessa ABRAMS.

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Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though. read more

Reversals of Fortune. Episode 3×01.

After a long hiatus, the gang on the Upper East Side are BACK, and so am I! Season 3 is where the shit hit the fan with this show (Josh Safran took over the reigns as Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were busy with 3928390283 other projects and Gossip Girl was their red-headed homosexual step child in Indiana. The cast had decided they’d rather be making movies and music and started phoning it in. There are still some great moments, but there are a ton of bad moments before The Couple That Must Not Be Named happens in Season 4 and the show never recovered. read more

Seder Anything. Episode 2×21.

It was Jenny’s party and she’ll cry if she wants to (you’d cry too if you were a Humphrey), Lily was annoyed that she had to be a parent, Chuck and Vanessa feel that sex neither one of them wants to brag about is the best way to make Nate and Blair jealous, and Serena ran off to Spain. Hmm, their economic crisis got really bad around the time Serena visited. Can we blame her?

Next week we shall start the Official Serena Man count. Dan is 1, Aaron Rose is 2, Pretentious Gay Director is 3…

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The Grandfather. Episode 2×19.

Miss Carr headed back to Iowa after sending everyone’s business to Gossip Girl, Nelly took Blair’s seat at Yale and the senior class play was The Age of Innocence. Also, for having a gay brother, Serena is lacking in the gaydar department. Chuck realized his heart wanted Blair just around the time she’s about to go home with Carter Baizen.What’s next for these crazy kids?

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From the title, I’m going to have to plead with the writers that it’s Jenny who makes Rufus a grandfather and not Dan, as I can’t deal with a Serena or Miss Carr pregnancy storyline. read more

The Age of Dissonance. Episode 2×18.

Miss Carr and Dan did the NASTY (and I mean NASTY), Blair nearly got expelled for sending tips to Gossip Girl, and Vanessa wanted to do Eyes Wide Shut with Nate as his eyes were already shut tight. (Do you blame him?) What’s next on the Upper East Side?

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THE AGE OF INNOCENCE! I love how GG took a chance and did an episode told through a play about crusty old rich people being played by people who would be crusty old rich people in 50 years. Backstage and onstage, the drama is going to happen. And a lot of it! Who cares if we’ve never heard of the senior-class play before and it came out of nowhere (no talk, no rehearsals, nada nada nada). It’s awesome on a stick. read more

You’ve Got Yale. Episode 2×16.

Previously on Gossip Girl a will was read, providing more drama than usual, and Rufus and Lily ran away to Boston to try to find their Secret Love Child. Serena and Dan found out they have sibling in common, which is totally a mood-killer. Uncle Jack managed to get Chuck fired from Bass Industries to take it over. What will happen next? Please tell us, Gossip Girl! We’re literally dying here! In fact, Daddy WarBass died from not knowing!

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All Blair wants is a ticket to Yale. So call Greyhound and see if they have a ticket from the Upper East Side to New Haven. read more

Chuck In Real Life. Episode 2×07.

A catfight brought Blair and Serena back to the BFF part of their BFFrenimistad, Lily made it through an entire episode without a drink and Dan and Nate began a beautiful bromance during a short visit to Yale. What scandal is awaiting for us now?

But first, to answer Gossip Girl’s question. No. Just no.

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It’s breakfast time at the VD Woodsen-Bass penthouse.

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Daddy Warbass has bought Serena a “conservative but classic” suit that Serena thought was for the housekeeper for the Housewarming Party (BYOB as Lily ain’t about to share her wine yo). He also bought Eric a new watch and provided Chuck with cash in offshore accounts. Daddy Warbass is all about buying love even if he can’t show love. Turns out these are bribes as the new blended family is now going to have rules, like 1 a.m. curfews and dining together as a family every Friday. It’s now the Brady Bunch, except Lily is far from being a lovely lady (except in the sell-herself-on-the-street-Les Miserables way.) read more

New Haven Can Wait. Episode 2×06.

Jenny needs to be grounded for life after quitting school to work for Eleanor behind her daddy’s back, Blair and Serena need a time out to discuss who is insecure and who is conceited, and Lily needs a drink. Let’s find out what’s in store this week.

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Uh oh, the recaps mentioned Captain I, Like the Writers, Forgot About This Plot Point. They must have remembered. Is he escaping jail?

It’s Blairiza Doolitle, practicing “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” (which is a huge lie. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the north where there is no plain.) However, Blair can’t get the Cockney out of her Upper East Side Accent, and Serena can say it perfectly! read more

The Serena Also Rises. Episode 2×05.

So no more incestuous Dukes and Duchesses that pay Nate for sex and refuse to put out for Blair! I think we can all breathe a gigantic sigh of relief now. Also, Serena is Queen and not Blair! How is that going to go?

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It’s Fashion Week, which means Blair MUST wear elderly clothing!

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Actually, she’s doing the seating chart.

Humphrey is apparently applying to Yale. Isn’t that Blair’s thing? I thought Dan was a Dartmouth man. He’s changed his mind. Jenny is cutting class to help Eleanor. read more

The Dark Night. Episode 2×03.

Last time on Gossip Girl, we learned that Nate is being paid by Blair’s Lord of Boring Boyfriend’s Mommy, Duchess of Twin Peaks, for sex. Just where do we go from here?

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h09m25s26   Advice from Gossip Girl on how to beat the heat (102ºF!)

1. Drink plenty of fluids (Seems more Lily’s style but she is his stepmommy now)

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h10m59s2192. Stay out of the sun

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3. Limit all physical activity (that is, within reason) (for Serena, this means only ONE boyfriend)

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Lord of Boring won’t put out because “Blair is a delicate little flower” and he wants the moment to be special (and probably because he’s getting it from some trendy Chelsea or Village bathhouse). Blair wants some nookie, dammit! read more