Enough About Eve. Episode 3×06.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.

Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?

BLAIR IS DREAMING!

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Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though. read more

The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey! read more

The Freshmen. Episode 3×02.

Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.

Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE. read more

Reversals of Fortune. Episode 3×01.

After a long hiatus, the gang on the Upper East Side are BACK, and so am I! Season 3 is where the shit hit the fan with this show (Josh Safran took over the reigns as Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were busy with 3928390283 other projects and Gossip Girl was their red-headed homosexual step child in Indiana. The cast had decided they’d rather be making movies and music and started phoning it in. There are still some great moments, but there are a ton of bad moments before The Couple That Must Not Be Named happens in Season 4 and the show never recovered. read more

Remains of the J. Episode 2×20.

Last week, a bunch of boring stuff with Nate’s grandfather a VANDERBILT transpired that lead him back to Blair, perhaps, Serena slapped Dan (#TeamSerena), and Lily destroyed the entire Amazon rainforest by writing down the names of all her lovers. What’s next? From the episode description, barf bags for all. “S has just the gift for little J’s Sweet 16: A party with all of S’s stuffy socialite friends. Looks like no one is going to get what they want this year!” I’d like Jenny to murder Vanessa in a murder-suicide, and I don’t think I’ll be getting that! read more

In the Realm of the Basses. Episode 2×14

We’re halfway through the second season, and the only thing we really have to show for it are a dead father (Chuck’s dad Daddy WarBass died in an accident), a new stepfather (Hello, Cyrus! As you wish!), bad fashion designs from Jenny, Captain Went to Jail, and a lot of angst for all our characters, especially Chuck and Blair and Dan and Serena. Oh, and Aaron Rose/Creepy Bores. Oh! And Lily’s secret stay in an institution. Let’s hope for a better second half, mkay?

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It’s a New Year on the Upper East Side, and everyone is coming back from their Christmas vacations! Serena’s been tangoing (and screwing) her way through Buenos Aires. Lonely Boy Dan was alone (serves him right), and Jenny’s headed back to school! Blair will be ecstatic to have someone to torture again at school. And Chuck is missing. His uncle Jack has been seen about town though, which could potentially be interesting, depending on who his uncle is (hopefully fun evil like Georgina and not boring evil like Daddy WarBass). read more

There Might Be Blood. Episode 2×09.

Chuck and Blair realized that they enjoy the game too much to ever settle down in a relationship, and Little J. thinks she can take on Eleanor and Waldorf Designs with her collection of ugly dresses for spoiled teenage brats with Kaitlin Cooper Agnes. Let’s hope someone has bought Jenny a wig to cover that atrocious dye job. Oh, and she kissed Nate.

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We don’t want to see J. go from fashion star to fashion victim? She has been a fashion victim since DAY ONE. I digress.

Jenny is working hard for a fashion show, and Nate has apparently forgotten the kiss. Team Nate. read more

Pret-a-Poor-J. Episode 2×08

Chuck and Blair played more games with each other and other people (can you call Vanessa “people” thought?), Jenny and Vanessa continued their fashion atrocities, Nate is squatting in his old house and Lily decided that now that her kids are teens, it’s damn time she tried being a mother. What will happen this week?

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Blair is having a sex dream about her Prince Charming (Chuck) as Gossip Girl non-discretely voice overs “But if Prince Charming refuses to come” as Blair is woken up by a knock on the door. Those sly writers getting things past the CW censors again. It’s our Dorota, who reminds Blair that God is always watching. read more

New Haven Can Wait. Episode 2×06.

Jenny needs to be grounded for life after quitting school to work for Eleanor behind her daddy’s back, Blair and Serena need a time out to discuss who is insecure and who is conceited, and Lily needs a drink. Let’s find out what’s in store this week.

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Uh oh, the recaps mentioned Captain I, Like the Writers, Forgot About This Plot Point. They must have remembered. Is he escaping jail?

It’s Blairiza Doolitle, practicing “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” (which is a huge lie. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the north where there is no plain.) However, Blair can’t get the Cockney out of her Upper East Side Accent, and Serena can say it perfectly! read more

The Serena Also Rises. Episode 2×05.

So no more incestuous Dukes and Duchesses that pay Nate for sex and refuse to put out for Blair! I think we can all breathe a gigantic sigh of relief now. Also, Serena is Queen and not Blair! How is that going to go?

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It’s Fashion Week, which means Blair MUST wear elderly clothing!

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Actually, she’s doing the seating chart.

Humphrey is apparently applying to Yale. Isn’t that Blair’s thing? I thought Dan was a Dartmouth man. He’s changed his mind. Jenny is cutting class to help Eleanor. read more