How to Succeed in Bassness. Episode 3×07.

Last time on Gossip Girl we spotted Chuck kissing dudes, Olivia (Hilary Duff) giving freshmen dinner speeches and Serena and Nate in Trip’s campaigzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe this is the week that promised threesome will happen just to wake us all back up.

Oh God help us. A Halloween-themed episode. Kill me now. With my luck it’ll be a furry threesome.  vlcsnap-2015-05-17-23h40m22s15

Well, at least Hallowen explain’s Little J.’s hair.

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Chuck’s new hotel is #123 on Travelocity, behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia. As if these people flew into LaGuardia. They are totally JFKers and then helicopter on in to the city. read more

Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again? read more

The Freshmen. Episode 3×02.

Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.

Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE. read more

The Ex-Files. Episode 2×04.

Saran Wrap has been tossed aside! What will Dan Dan and Serena ever do now? How will fans cope? Whatever will Gossip Girl post about?

vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h08m09s21It’s the first day of senior year! Gossip Girl is ready for a new social dynasty. I don’t buy it. Like these kids ever go to school. And look who’s back for the occasion! Don’t tell me she’s going to try to be a mother. (Those are the words coming out of her mouth, that she’s feeling motherly.) Also don’t tell me there isn’t vodka in that orange juice. Married life couoldn’t have changed Lily that much. Bart has business and can’t be bothered. Chuck informs Lily that Serena is a single lady (although Lily didn’t know Saran Wrap had reunited) and could be queen, but Serena says that’s Chuck Blair’s role. read more

All About My Brother. Episode 1×16

This is one of my favorite episodes, and I’m going to give them 1000 Meow Meow Beanz for naming an episode after an Almodóvar film. Shit happens this episode. Shit is revealed. If Soaps In Depth were covering this episode, they would proclaim THE UPPER EAST SIDE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME next to the picture of Vanessa Marcil asking if Brenda is returning to General Hospital.

I just hope this Sarah person (Georgina’s nice twin? I mean, Georgina would never pretend to be someone she’s not, would she? I’m playing coy.) doesn’t come between Dan and Serena! read more

A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate. Episode 1×13.

It’s called a condom. Good thing GG is promoting safe sex to an impressionable young audience. (Who are we kidding? Most GG fans were in their 20s, but it pretended to be for teens!)

I suppose the title really means a secret is going to come out. I smell threeway. (I know, not until season three, but still.)

Also, for anyone who has watched the entire show, this episode is solid proof that You Know Who Could Not Be Gossip Girl. Viewers always know better than desperate writers (Josh Safran) who pull things out of their ass at the table read for the series finale. read more