The Last Days of Disco Stick. Episode 3×10.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, what with Jenny’s hair and that threesome Dan, Vanessa and Olivia (played by freaking Hilary Duff of all people) shared, we all went in to do a collective Eternal Sunshine and had our memories erased (at least that’s what the writers hope as they rush to figure out who’s going to play Serena’s Daddy!)

The show only goes downhill from here. At least week the incredible Lady Gaga guest stars as herself. I wonder how the show will screw this one up.

Oh. read more

They Shoot Humphrey’s, Don’t They? Episode 3×09.

One can only hope, regarding this week’s episode title.

Last week, we fell asleep as a bunch of shit happened. Jimmy Fallon guest starred as himself, the Hilary Duff shit continued (she had an interview with Fallon and got Lonely Boy Dan renamed Bathroom Boy), and Blair pushed Serena into a cake at an election party. Right.

I am beginning to feel we were lied to about the threesome, and it was something imaginary the CW put out there in hopes people would tune in for the chance of a threesome.

It’s cotillion time on the Upper East Side! Oh joy! Now Jenny will be even a bigger bitch and bore us even more! Jenny still hasn’t found the proper escort for the event. Maybe she could borrow a monkey from the Bronx Zoo? read more

Enough About Eve. Episode 3×06.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.

Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?

BLAIR IS DREAMING!

vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m31s192 vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m42s50 Of Vanessa ABRAMS.

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Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though. read more

Rufus Getting Married. Episode 3×05

Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…

I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?

This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch. read more

The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey! read more

Reversals of Fortune. Episode 3×01.

After a long hiatus, the gang on the Upper East Side are BACK, and so am I! Season 3 is where the shit hit the fan with this show (Josh Safran took over the reigns as Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were busy with 3928390283 other projects and Gossip Girl was their red-headed homosexual step child in Indiana. The cast had decided they’d rather be making movies and music and started phoning it in. There are still some great moments, but there are a ton of bad moments before The Couple That Must Not Be Named happens in Season 4 and the show never recovered. read more

The Wrath of Con. Episode 2×23.

Georgina is back, having converted to Christianity in her time at boot camp. Serena realized that Gabriel was scamming everyone, including Rufus, so thank God she didn’t accidentally marry him in Spain. And Nate bought Blair an apartment so she wouldn’t have to take the SUBWAY.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5

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This episode ends with the best quote ever. Fair warning.

Chuck is a bit miffed that the taxi back from Jesus Camp is without glasses for his flask, and he neglects to tell Serena he’s bringing back a friend (Georgina, the one he gave his flower to in the sixth grade). He offers Georgina a drink. read more

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Episode 2×22.

Serena came back from Spain unsure if she’s married (she’s not), Blair dealt with Nate’s Evil Grandfather, Chuck and Jenny worked through their issues, and there was a seder with Dan as the cater waiter. This week…Chuck Bass might get saved.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5 (I’m going to include Nate as there were flashbacks last season).

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This episode has perhaps the best plot twist ever in the history of television for anyone with a sense of humor about the whole thing. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have a sense of humor. I mean…is Gossip Girl meant to be taken seriously? read more

Remains of the J. Episode 2×20.

Last week, a bunch of boring stuff with Nate’s grandfather a VANDERBILT transpired that lead him back to Blair, perhaps, Serena slapped Dan (#TeamSerena), and Lily destroyed the entire Amazon rainforest by writing down the names of all her lovers. What’s next? From the episode description, barf bags for all. “S has just the gift for little J’s Sweet 16: A party with all of S’s stuffy socialite friends. Looks like no one is going to get what they want this year!” I’d like Jenny to murder Vanessa in a murder-suicide, and I don’t think I’ll be getting that! read more

In the Realm of the Basses. Episode 2×14

We’re halfway through the second season, and the only thing we really have to show for it are a dead father (Chuck’s dad Daddy WarBass died in an accident), a new stepfather (Hello, Cyrus! As you wish!), bad fashion designs from Jenny, Captain Went to Jail, and a lot of angst for all our characters, especially Chuck and Blair and Dan and Serena. Oh, and Aaron Rose/Creepy Bores. Oh! And Lily’s secret stay in an institution. Let’s hope for a better second half, mkay?

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It’s a New Year on the Upper East Side, and everyone is coming back from their Christmas vacations! Serena’s been tangoing (and screwing) her way through Buenos Aires. Lonely Boy Dan was alone (serves him right), and Jenny’s headed back to school! Blair will be ecstatic to have someone to torture again at school. And Chuck is missing. His uncle Jack has been seen about town though, which could potentially be interesting, depending on who his uncle is (hopefully fun evil like Georgina and not boring evil like Daddy WarBass). read more