They Shoot Humphrey’s, Don’t They? Episode 3×09.

One can only hope, regarding this week’s episode title.

Last week, we fell asleep as a bunch of shit happened. Jimmy Fallon guest starred as himself, the Hilary Duff shit continued (she had an interview with Fallon and got Lonely Boy Dan renamed Bathroom Boy), and Blair pushed Serena into a cake at an election party. Right.

I am beginning to feel we were lied to about the threesome, and it was something imaginary the CW put out there in hopes people would tune in for the chance of a threesome.

It’s cotillion time on the Upper East Side! Oh joy! Now Jenny will be even a bigger bitch and bore us even more! Jenny still hasn’t found the proper escort for the event. Maybe she could borrow a monkey from the Bronx Zoo? read more

The Grandfather Part II. Episode 3×08.

Oh. Great. To follow up that snoozeville Halloween episode, they’re going to give us a Vanderbilt political episode? WTF (definitely not watch this fall)

OR

Even worse, someone’s grandfather is part of that still not seen threesome!

If this didn’t air in 2009, I’d say Gossip Girl was trying to cash in on another show

 vlcsnap-2015-05-25-13h26m55s67

Serena’s PR relationship with Patrick Roberts is getting him attention in Hollywood. Now Serena has to get pictures taken of Patrick Roberts and politicians. WTF not Watch This Fall. read more

How to Succeed in Bassness. Episode 3×07.

Last time on Gossip Girl we spotted Chuck kissing dudes, Olivia (Hilary Duff) giving freshmen dinner speeches and Serena and Nate in Trip’s campaigzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe this is the week that promised threesome will happen just to wake us all back up.

Oh God help us. A Halloween-themed episode. Kill me now. With my luck it’ll be a furry threesome.  vlcsnap-2015-05-17-23h40m22s15

Well, at least Hallowen explain’s Little J.’s hair.

vlcsnap-2015-05-21-20h06m58s225

Chuck’s new hotel is #123 on Travelocity, behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia. As if these people flew into LaGuardia. They are totally JFKers and then helicopter on in to the city. read more

Rufus Getting Married. Episode 3×05

Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…

I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?

This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch. read more

Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again? read more

The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey! read more

Reversals of Fortune. Episode 3×01.

After a long hiatus, the gang on the Upper East Side are BACK, and so am I! Season 3 is where the shit hit the fan with this show (Josh Safran took over the reigns as Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were busy with 3928390283 other projects and Gossip Girl was their red-headed homosexual step child in Indiana. The cast had decided they’d rather be making movies and music and started phoning it in. There are still some great moments, but there are a ton of bad moments before The Couple That Must Not Be Named happens in Season 4 and the show never recovered. read more

The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Episode 2×25

Last week was a total waste of time as it was a failed backdoor pilot for a show about Lily in the 80’s, and it was also PROM, which was more an afterthought. Now it’s time for the Season 2 Season Finale. What’s going to happen to our gang? Will Georgina get her Bible money back? Did Blair ever tell Jesus that the Bitch is Back? (Wait, if Jesus is the Son of God, wouldn’t he already know?) Or was Blair too busy breaking up with Nate to relay the message? Let’s find out!

vlcsnap-2014-12-18-20h40m28s144

It’s graduation time on the Upper East Side, and as Gossip Girl herself says, who needs “Pomp and Circumstance” when you’ve got paparazzi? Serena is ready to end high school as she figures it’ll end her reign as Gossip Girl’s #1 target. She was the very first blast on the Gossip Girl site back in 9th grade when she wore a white dress on a rainy day. Serena is just excited as Gossip Girl doesn’t do college, yo. read more

Valley Girls. Episode 2×24.

Lily had Serena arrested because Gabriel stole everyone’s money, and Poppy stole Georgina’s Bible Money, which can only mean one thing. Blair has the impossible situation of telling Jesus that the bitch is back.

vlcsnap-2014-12-14-21h25m56s39

Oh the joys of a backdoor pilot stinking up the airwaves. Brittany Snow and Krysten Ritter star as the Rhodes Sisters and we get a look back that no one was exactly asking for to see Lily as a teen. I bet there’s alcohol involved. I remember this episode being truly horrid, which cannot be a good sign. It even makes the awesome No Doubt look bad. read more

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Episode 2×22.

Serena came back from Spain unsure if she’s married (she’s not), Blair dealt with Nate’s Evil Grandfather, Chuck and Jenny worked through their issues, and there was a seder with Dan as the cater waiter. This week…Chuck Bass might get saved.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5 (I’m going to include Nate as there were flashbacks last season).

vlcsnap-2014-12-06-14h18m24s129

This episode has perhaps the best plot twist ever in the history of television for anyone with a sense of humor about the whole thing. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have a sense of humor. I mean…is Gossip Girl meant to be taken seriously? read more